Okay, so I was in the middle of making dinner, and who should show up but God.

“Got a minute?” He said.

“Um, this really isn’t a good time,” I replied. “I don’t want this pizza crust to burn.”

“You eat too many carbs anyway,” God said, sounding a little testy. “You should eat more fish.”

And just like that – poof! – my pizza turned into a salmon. I mean, I like salmon, and I’m not one to turn down a beautifully prepared filet, but come on, this amanuensis gig is getting to be a little too much.

“All right,” I said, resignedly. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Well, I’ve been listening to some of your crazy politicians…”

My politicians? You created them!”

“Are you sure about that?” God said, enigmatically.

“Point.”

“So I’ve been listening to these guys go on and on about gay marriage and I just don’t get it,” said God. “They say they’re against homosexuality because I’m against it. Frankly, I don’t care who loves who as long as you’re all nice to each other. Hetero, homo,who cares? And why do they think anyone else’s relationship is any of their business?”

“Well, they seem to think you came out against homosexuality in the Bible,” I said.

“Yeah, well, about that,” God went on. “The thing you have to understand about the Bible is that it’s gone through a lot of translations, adaptations, and abridgements since I last worked on it. There’s a lot of stuff in there that made sense for a semi-nomadic,pre-industrial civilization, but don’t really apply today. It’s like the whole not eating pork thing. I mean, in a society with no concept of refrigeration, avoiding pork is probably a good idea. Today, though, there’s no reason to pass up a nice piece of bacon. In the same way, when you’re talking to a tribe of maybe a few thousand people, it’s a good thing to encourage them to take part in heterosexual relationships, because increasing population makes for better odds of survival. Does anybody really think you need to increase the population today? Maybe I should make the gays and lesbians my chosen people, since they’re doing such good work in keeping the population at a reasonable level.”

“But aren’t those later translations of the Bible divinely inspired?” I asked.

“Do you really think I don’t have better things to do than sit around and inspire every yahoo who wants to translate a Bible,” God said. “I’ve been pretty busy since I slapped this place together. My latest was a planet in the Gamma Reticuli system where I made the dominant lifeform out of styrofoam. Now that was a challenge, let me tell you.”

“Look,” he continued, “I put that book together as a guide, figuring you’d be smart enough to take it from there on your own. Clearly, I was wrong. Down through the ages, it’s gotten so cluttered up with personal opinion- that Paul guy could really be a jerk. I have no idea what My Son ever saw in him – and aggressive political agendas until I almost don’t recognize it anymore. What you’re doing with the Bible today is like taking an owner’s manual for a 1908 Model T Ford and thinking it’s going to be applicable to your 2011 Lamborghini. Yeah, they may both work on the principle of internal combustion, but that’s where the similarities end. Use your Me-given intelligence and face the future. You’re not living in Judea two thousand years ago, you know.”

“Okay,” I said. “Anything else?”

“I guess that’s it for now,” God said. “Go on and eat your fish.”

For the past few weeks, God, the Creator of the Universe, has been speaking to me. Quietly at first, but lately with increasing fervor and insistence. He’s been talking to me about all kinds of things, from the state of modern Christianity to His feelings about a range of current social issues. But most of all, He says He just wanted to talk to someone who wasn’t constantly asking for something.

“I know they’re all my children,” He told me, “but they’re so damned needy. Can’t they ever just say, ‘Thanks, God,” without following that up with, ‘Oh, and by the way, I’d really like a new bike.”

He wasn’t mad when he told me all this, more like tired.

Today, though, He told me it was time to start spreading His Word, especially as so many who claim to speak in His name are getting it wrong.

“Rick Perry? Michele Bachmann?,” He said to me, “Who the hell do they think they are. I’ve never spoken to either of them, and I damn well didn’t tell either of them to run for office. I mean, I wouldn’t put them in charge of cleaning up after the donkeys on the first Palm Sunday, much less put them in charge of a whole country. Crazy, is what they both are. Crazy people out for themselves at the cost of everyone else.”

And this seems to go to the heart of God’s dissatisfaction with the human race, the fact that so many of us use the Bible as a club to brutalize our fellow man.

“Look,” He said, talking about the Bible, “that book was written two thousand years ago for a very different audience. It wasn’t meant to be sacrosanct for eternity, it was meant to be a guide. Really, I ought to update it, but I’m afraid too many people are stuck on the damn thing that they wouldn’t listen to a new version.”

“I’m sorry I ever told them to go out and spread the Word,” God said. “Let me make this perfectly clear: I have enough followers right now, thank you very much. The last thing I need are a bunch of helpless, needy emotional cripples praying to me to find their car keys or make their kid’s team win a football game. Guess what; if you started relying more on yourselves and less on a Divine Presence, maybe you could actually fend for yourselves, and if your loser kids spent less time praying and more time practicing, maybe they’d actually win a game once in a while instead of being the neighborhood laughing stocks. At a certain point, you have to take responsibility for your lives and work things out for yourselves. Why do you think I made you? If I had wanted mindless drones, I would have stopped after I created sheep.”

On a similar topic, God said, “Another thing that really pisses me off is the inability of so-called ‘believers’ to deal with the most elementary scientific concepts. Look, I couldn’t talk to the Biblical Hebrews about genetics and evolution and plate tectonics and biochemistry. They didn’t have the level of understanding necessary to process those concepts. So I put together a bunch of comforting fairy tales in order to explain the complexities of existence in a way they could understand. But you guys, today, you have no excuse for ignoring rigorous scientific evidence in favor of parables told to pre-technological children. ‘Creationism,’ really? C’mon, can’t you look at, say, dog breeding and see that evolution is not a theory but a fact. It’s hard for me to believe that some people actually believe that I put dinosaur bones in the ground to test the faithful, or that dinosaurs were on the Ark with Noah. Those are two of the stupidest ideas I’ve ever heard, right up there with rainbows being miracles. Let me tell you, if something like rainbows happen every day, and they happen in exactly the same way each and every time, and they’re easily explained by simple optical theory, IT’S NOT A MIRACLE! Please, use the intelligence I gave you, people!”

Yep, God sure has a lot to say, and as His amanuensis, I’m going to do the best I can to bring you His Word, direct and uncensored.

Oh, and by the way, He told me that he thinks Monty Python’s Life of Brian is a really funny movie.

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