Okay, so I was in the middle of making dinner, and who should show up but God.
“Got a minute?” He said.
“Um, this really isn’t a good time,” I replied. “I don’t want this pizza crust to burn.”
“You eat too many carbs anyway,” God said, sounding a little testy. “You should eat more fish.”
And just like that – poof! – my pizza turned into a salmon. I mean, I like salmon, and I’m not one to turn down a beautifully prepared filet, but come on, this amanuensis gig is getting to be a little too much.
“All right,” I said, resignedly. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Well, I’ve been listening to some of your crazy politicians…”
“My politicians? You created them!”
“Are you sure about that?” God said, enigmatically.
“So I’ve been listening to these guys go on and on about gay marriage and I just don’t get it,” said God. “They say they’re against homosexuality because I’m against it. Frankly, I don’t care who loves who as long as you’re all nice to each other. Hetero, homo,who cares? And why do they think anyone else’s relationship is any of their business?”
“Well, they seem to think you came out against homosexuality in the Bible,” I said.
“Yeah, well, about that,” God went on. “The thing you have to understand about the Bible is that it’s gone through a lot of translations, adaptations, and abridgements since I last worked on it. There’s a lot of stuff in there that made sense for a semi-nomadic,pre-industrial civilization, but don’t really apply today. It’s like the whole not eating pork thing. I mean, in a society with no concept of refrigeration, avoiding pork is probably a good idea. Today, though, there’s no reason to pass up a nice piece of bacon. In the same way, when you’re talking to a tribe of maybe a few thousand people, it’s a good thing to encourage them to take part in heterosexual relationships, because increasing population makes for better odds of survival. Does anybody really think you need to increase the population today? Maybe I should make the gays and lesbians my chosen people, since they’re doing such good work in keeping the population at a reasonable level.”
“But aren’t those later translations of the Bible divinely inspired?” I asked.
“Do you really think I don’t have better things to do than sit around and inspire every yahoo who wants to translate a Bible,” God said. “I’ve been pretty busy since I slapped this place together. My latest was a planet in the Gamma Reticuli system where I made the dominant lifeform out of styrofoam. Now that was a challenge, let me tell you.”
“Look,” he continued, “I put that book together as a guide, figuring you’d be smart enough to take it from there on your own. Clearly, I was wrong. Down through the ages, it’s gotten so cluttered up with personal opinion- that Paul guy could really be a jerk. I have no idea what My Son ever saw in him – and aggressive political agendas until I almost don’t recognize it anymore. What you’re doing with the Bible today is like taking an owner’s manual for a 1908 Model T Ford and thinking it’s going to be applicable to your 2011 Lamborghini. Yeah, they may both work on the principle of internal combustion, but that’s where the similarities end. Use your Me-given intelligence and face the future. You’re not living in Judea two thousand years ago, you know.”
“Okay,” I said. “Anything else?”
“I guess that’s it for now,” God said. “Go on and eat your fish.”